How to Take the Lead with Women
Question from a Reader:
Why does taking the lead come across as natural, instinctive, innate common sense for most guys but others are clueless on how to do it?
I feel I never naturally, instinctively knew how to do it with women, and its also a role I don’t like, embrace, so that’s something I feel is wrong with me.
They say a normal, natural, red-blooded human male instinctively, innately enjoys taking the lead with women, so that’s why I also wonder if maybe I’m a natural born Beta male, I don’t know if this requires counseling or therapy of me.
This is very involved question, and an important one.
Taking the lead - being the “boss” - is, of course very important in a myriad of situations, and especially when it comes to your relationships with women. I don’t think most men “enjoy” it as you suggested, though.
Here’s a why - Most men don’t know how to do it. And when they’ve tried, they’ve seen it backfire on them. For a little background: The Alphas of the world - going back thousands of years - are the ones who survived, and who produced the offspring of our species. And this usually continues on and on in nature. We are all the product of a long line of Alpha males - somewhere somehow in our distant past.
I think all men are born Alphas. Right out of the box, so to speak. So why don’t we instinctively ACT that way? What happens is that we are taught and learn Beta behaviors almost instantly from the moment we are born, and society has a way of reinforcing those beliefs as we grow up and go out into the world.
Just for and example - and this just my opinion and observation - if you take for instance a regular 2- or 3-year-old boy, and we see him playing with or around other kids. That kid over there has something our boy in question wants. So our boy goes over and takes it. The other kid cries. This is an instinct - there is no real rational thought-process behind it.
Our boy sees what he wants, sees an obstacle, overcomes it and takes it. And what do “we” immediately do? “Oh no! Johnny - you give that back. That’s not yours! That’s wrong! Bad Johnny….” Etc. etc. This is a societal construct - where everything has to be equal and fair - and in my opinion what is happening is that we are teaching this boy that his natural instincts are bad. Then we say, here are the rules you must follow. And the same thing happens with dating. Don’t act sexual towards her.
Be nice and friendly. Ask her out. Buy her flowers. She’s your equal. On and on.
Don’t get me wrong - I believe whole-heartedly that men and women are equal in terms of intelligence, our worth at humans and that sort of thing. But there are gender-specific roles that we simply are not equal in, and no amount of societal conditioning will change that. If anything, I think it serves to frustrate both genders.
And again - it is a Learned Behavior. Women will SAY all the time - they want to be in charge, you need to change this or that, treat me as your equal, let’s be friends first…. But if you pay attention to what women DO - you’ll see the opposite message most of the time. If you are uncomfortable taking the lead - I believe it’s for the same reasons we get uncomfortable with any other activity we haven’t had that much experience with. And the more you do it, the better you’ll become at - especially when you start to get results, and confidence ensues.
Now, I share a ton of ways to be Alpha, take the lead, and be more confident in my Audio Programs - all of which you can browse here. But let me give you a few small tips to help you get started - what “taking the lead” with a date really entails.
- Make decisions - not necessarily FOR her, but around her. The littlest thing can make all the difference. Know what you want to order, where you want to sit, what movie you want to see.
- Be polite, while giving small directions. For example, as you are walking to at table at a coffee shop, pull out her chair and say, “Sit down”. You will be surprised by how these small things make huge impressions, and add up quickly.
- When appropriate - lightly touch the small of her back, to “guide her” this way or that way, or through a doorway in which you are holding the door. This is, believe it or not, one of the most valuable pieces of information you’ll ever get from me.
- Turn questions into “commands” - for example, “What’s your favorite color”? becomes, “So, tell me your favorite color.”
- Be a great listener - the best leaders are those who make the other parties feel important, appreciated and heard. Repeating something she said to her is a great way to demonstrate this. Make eye contact, smile - and listen. Don’t be formulating in your head what you will say next while she’s talking.
Now, again - seems like small things, but you can probably already see how just these little things are not only easy to start doing, but how they can have a huge impact on establishing your role in a relationship. Try them out now. And for more in-depth Alpha Behaviors and Learning, download the ALPHA MENTAL MAKEOVER, or any of these Alpha Audio book programs.