The Complete Guide to Texting – Epic 3-Part Article
Women use their phone to connect.
You likely use it for information, directions, fantasy football stats and some light porn.
Okay – maybe not for fantasy football.
But don’t listen to anybody that tries to convince you that texting is not here to stay in the dating world – I don’t care how far your grandpa had to walk to your grandma’s house to talk to her.
Nowadays, women text like their life depended on it. Accept it. Learn it. Love it.
Your phone is your bridge to attraction, and more. It’s also a tool for destruction and dateless nights if used improperly.
In case you didn’t know – I’m a professional dating coach. True story.
Every guy that has a cell phone asks me the same things:
- How do I text her?
- What do I respond to this or that text?
- When is the best time to text her?
- How do I text for a date?
- What is sexting?
- …On and on with the texting questions.
My inbox (on my cell phone, of course) is overloaded with this type of question.
I’m gonna do everyone a favor and just spell it all out for you – not via text but right here, right now.
Well – the only guys I won’t be doing a favor are the ones who want to charge you for this information.
You know what I’m talking about.
You Google: Texting secrets, how to text a girl, what does lmfao mean? Etc.
And you get on some page, or some video, or some total Text Genius Expert Guru the God of all Electronic Communication website and they promise to make you a texting expert. Or textpert. Or some other equally droll pun.
So you get on Doctor Textsmart’s ad page…er…I mean, informative blog.
And then…you are reading along. Line after line – thinking: “The magic text secret is going to be in the next sentence….”
And what do you get?
Some general “advice” that says: Be flirty, don’t be needy, text her something cool, etc.
But where’s the cool thing you are supposed to text her? Seriously – if you knew what texting something cool was, you wouldn’t need to Google it.
Oh wait – there it is.
Doctor Textsmart says: “Hey – I’d like to go into all the details of exactly what to text, and I do – in my SUPER AWESOME GUIDE TO TEXTING CHICKS AND GETTING LAID book. Which you can grab a copy of here.”
And of course when you go to “grab your copy” you aren’t getting shit without a credit card number and long fall down a sales and subscription funnel.
So, you know what?
Fuck those guys.
You don’t have to give ME one red cent – and I’ll lay out some the world’s greatest texting “secrets” for you.
Like I said, right here. Right now.
Biggest issue: You just got her number on a Saturday night. Now what?
Here’s what NOT to do, first of all.
You’re on your way home, or laying in bed, and you can’t this new girl out of your mind – so your mind tells you, “Hey man – you know what would be really nice? If you texted her and asked her if she got home ok.”
Step away from the cell phone.
This text is out of line – and truth be told it’s a desperate grab at some reassurance for you.
While it seems like a cool thing to do – what you are really doing her is treating her like a girlfriend. Jumping the gun. Cart…horse…the whole deal.
Sending the, “You get home ok?” text is something you do with your kids, your wife of 10 years, your girlfriend, etc.
Not someone you just met.
Settle down, turn your phone off. Go to sleep.
Or appear needy. It’s your call (er…text).
Also do not adhere to some “3 day rule” or other such nonsense in waiting to text.
Yeah – you don’t want to be all over her in the first 3 seconds either – but you do need to realize that there IS a window of opportunity and waiting TOO LONG is bad as well. While too soon is too needy, too late is going to kill your chances.
Women give out there phone number like free tickets to community theater. It’s good for the ego. You do want to be fresh in her mind.
So – the next day or so is fine. It really is.
There was something between you two the night you met – you are thinking about her, she gave you her number, you were having a great time, the liquor was flowing…it’s a regular romantic comedy.
THAT feeling is what you want to keep going – and the window to do that is small.
So – what you want to accomplish (I would imagine…) is meeting her again soon and rekindle the magic and take it to the next level.
Doctor Textsmart will call this “shortening the time bridge” or some other made-up PUA-speak.
Me – I text the next evening. Early evening.
Texting in the morning = neediness.
If you were drinking with her, she’s still hungover. Even if you weren’t, her cortisol level is high in the a.m. causing stress.
Early evening is better than late at night because it leaves a slight chance of casual meet-up that night yet.
It also cuts down on her time to flake.
Or forget you.
So yeah – what’s that $49.95 text guide say about this?
Shit, I don’t know. But I do know there are some important pieces of info that go into crafting this Shakespearean couplet you are about to compose.
Which of the following you go with depends on what the hell happened last night.
So, scenario one:
A good looking woman could have given her number to half a dozen guys on a night out. She could have been black-out drunk, too. You were there.
This is the “remind her of who I am and that we met” text.
“Hey it’s JD. Nice meeting you last night. My facebook is facebook.com/doctor cool. Add me…”
Why do you want to send this?
Who you are – when you met. Jog the memory.
It’s not needy. Doesn’t even require a text back.
You can gauge her interest if she adds you on FB.
It’s at least guaranteed it’ll pique her interest to the point where she’ll look at your FB page.
If you think she may not text back – this is a chance for her to sort shit out. She can log into facebook and check you out before contacting you back.
Oh! It’s that guy. He was hot…
Adding on facebook now….
As a side note – you do have your facebook profile all jacked up and rockin’, right? Get on that if you don’t. (I’d like to tell you all the details about how to do that – and I do! In my SUPER AWESOME GUIDE TO KICKASS FACEBOOK PROFILE FOR GETTING LAID EBOOK! You can grab your copy….)
Now, let’s say your encounter was a little bit more than a drunk-fest on a loud dance floor and she is likely to remember you.
Same timeline rules apply.
A good first text includes the following elements:
1) Your name (you know this)
2) Her name (it’s in your phone, right? )
3) Where you met her (the fond memories just flood back)
4) A reference to something you talked about/connected over/know about her/etc. (you DID connect over something right? I’d love to go into detail about how to….)
“Hi Jessica – I blame you for the shots last night at O’Shecky’s. If you’re not studying for that test I may have time to continue our debate…”
Covers it all. Doesn’t require a response, but will likely get one if you did your job the night before. And speaking of doing your job the night before – DO NOT miss my next article – Part 2 of Mastering the Art of Texting – for sure-fire steps to nail that shit.
We’ll also get into some more specifics about what to say, how to get the date set up, etc.
Some general rules of thumb for texting
- Stay away from text-speak abbreviations. No “LOL” no “tlk l8r” or anything else that makes you seem like a high-school cheerleader rather than a somewhat sophisticated, interesting up-right hominid. Use a capital letter when appropriate, especially when using “I” referring to yourself.
- Turn questions into statements. How? Eliminate the question mark. Use the dot dot dot method. Which looks better, more flirty, less needy, less creepy:
What are you doing tonight?
What are you doing tonight…
- When setting up a date – or more likely a casual meet-up, I think it’s best to take the lead. Tell her what you’re going to do with her and where. A great tactic – I mean, super-secret insider trick, is to leave a bit of detail until the day of the date. A window of time for example.
There’s the chance she’s gonna flake and you really really want to text her and make sure you’re still on, right?
Well – don’t send her something lame like: “I hope we’re still on for tonight” or “See you later tonight?” etc. I know from experience THAT text always gets a response. A “NO”.
Try this instead:
“I’m busy until 6 but I can meet you 7ish. Sound good…”
Or – Another big insider tip not worth paying for: Text assuming she is coming. Drop some knowledge about the dress code, like:
“Hey – wear heels tonight.”
- Another great bit of PUA-speak, and something you’ll probably learn in a paid-for Text Lesson, is what’s called a Yes Ladder.
You can probably google it now and find out what the hell THAT is.
But don’t. I’ll just tell you.
Everthing is either an easy YES question (with no question mark) or an easy question with options. These “options” are giving your young lady the illusion of choice but, the manipulative truth is it actually constrains her and keeps her on the ‘yes’ ladder.
- Using her name is good unless you have a great nickname for her – one that relates to what you connected over the night before.
“Hey such-and-such girl” or “Ms so-and-so
Here’s Two examples of this high-priced information:
TEXT: Nice to meet you last night. Shame we couldn’t talk longer. – J.D. p.s. do you like chocolate…
(Seriously – who doesn’t like chocolate? We’re looking for a “yes” here. And if she doesn’t like chocolate, then she’s either blowing you off or, frankly, who wants to be with someone who doesn’t like chocolate?)
TEXT: Ah – a fellow chocolate lover. Cool. So I have to ask – red or white wine…
TEXT: Yes – the Red Wine Woman. Now I’m dying to know: rom-com, comedy, horror, or drama….
TEXT: We have a winner. I believe a Chocolate/RedWine/Comedy evening is required. You want to pick the wine or the dvd…
TEXT: I will trust your superb taste then. Should we go for a Tuesday or a Thursday…
You get the picture. You aren’t asking anything. The two of you are planning something you both obviously want to do.
Here’s another example of the oh-so-manipulative Yes Ladder:
Instead of asking her a simple yes or no question, give her a choice of two things and sub-consciously build “a yes ladder” before asking her out (via a statement, of course).
Here’s a example:
TEXT: “Do you like chocolate…”
TEXT: “What do you prefer, beer or wine…”
TEXT: “Hmm…well then, we should have a wine and chocolate night. I’m free Tuesday or Thursday…”
Oh wait. That was the same thing. Well – that tactic is tried and true. If she is the least bit interested in you this will get you rolling, no doubt. The idea here is instead of asking her a simple yes or no question, give her a choice of two things and sub-consciously build “a yes ladder” before asking her out – but use a statement.
Part one focuses on some basics for exactly what to do once you have a woman’s phone number. A lot of that advice is stuff that guys are paying their hard-earned money to learn through some “how to text chicks” course offered on the web. So don’t be like those dudes – go read part one – and come back to part two.
Okay – you all caught up now?
You and I both know that 99% of men (statistic made up) have ZERO idea what to text to a woman once they have her number. Heaven forbid they call her…
Men ask me all the time what to write to her (that part isn’t made up – I do this for a living) and if they did their job right, they don’t have to text her one single word.
The main objective is to get in with her before your window of opportunity closes. You can’t text too soon (see Part 1) but if you wait too long you are running the risk of her totally forgetting what a great time you had at the party, club, golf outing, etc., wherever the heck is was.
And worse yet, forgetting who you are.
There was a little magic that night, right? Capitalize on that – without sending her a wordy text.
Stick with me.
I’m going to get into one of my absolute favorite texting techniques ever. Something I believe I developed myself, and will no doubt become a viral sensation on the web with the publication of this article.
A lot of the questions I get in my role as Dating Coach and Adviser center around What To Text Her to maximize the effectiveness of a text.
And this is where we need to take a small step back and look at two things.
1. What did you do during your interaction with her, leading up to getting her number?
2. Smart phones offer a lot more than just a few flirty words – you can send images as well.
There’s one thing I always recommend to a man when teaching him the basics of interacting with new women, approaching, building rapport, etc., and that is this:
Always try to get a picture of you and her together the night you meet.
And if you are chatting along and things are going well, it’s pretty easy to do. A pretty fun way is to suggest something like the following to her:
Pull out your phone (camera!) and say, “Hey – let’s take a picture with the dumbest faces we can make…” (or goofy, or weirdest, or whatever…just start out with a “fun” face.”)
And then hold your phone out in that “Selfie” position…AND…lean in next to her. Shoulder to shoulder, faces close together.
You see what you’re doing here, Rocko?
I like to think of it as breaking down the physical barriers between you – in a totally non-threatening and relaxed way. Hey – you have to lean in together to get this goofy picture. You weren’t trying to brush up against her body…
And what happens next is pretty natural – you both immediately look at the picture and comment on what dorks you are. Hahaha.
If you haven’t got her number yet – now’s a great time.
“I will totally send this to you – “ as you are opening the contacts in your phone to add her name and number.
Okay – so far so good.
This is freaking genius, isn’t it?
Thank me later. I’m totally going to put this into an online course and sell it.
Next – lets’ suggest something like:
“Okay – let’s do another one, but this time make the most SERIOUS face you can. “
Getting in close again.
Physically becoming more comfortable around eachother.
Doesn’t she smell great?
Comment comment comment….bla bla bla.
“Okay – last one. This time let’s stare at each other like we are madly in love – like the cover of one of those romance novels.”
This is always a fun picture to look at when you’re done.
And you get the idea here – but you may be wondering what this has to do with Texting her. And we’re getting to that.
Remember earlier I said, “What did you do during your interaction with her, leading up to getting her number”?
Most of the time – I get guys who want to know what to text her for the first time. So I ask them about their first interaction together. Texting something relevant to the drunken night at the bar and whatever you can remember is apropos and will serve to jog her memory of who the heck you are and how you met, etc.
Normally, there isn’t much to speak of.
So that’s why I teach the above technique.
Get those pics.
When you first text her – boom. There’s you and her – together. Having fun. An image of the both of you.
That’s 10x more powerful than “Hey – this is Jeremy from Club Xtacy”.
Now she has your number. And your picture. With her. In her phone.
Who do women have pictures of in their phones? People they are close with. People they know. Boyfriends.
One of the biggest hurdles to get over when you get a woman’s phone number is keeping that “magic” going from the night before. There is a window of opportunity to keep her interest in you and prevent a flake out or no-response.
What better way to recreate the moment that you were both interested in each other than to take a picture of it – and send it to her.
Worth a thousand words, as they say.
And that’s a thousand you don’t have to come up with in a text conversation.
Oh my how time flies – it seems like we just got started in this epic 3-part series on texting, and here we are at article Part 3 already.
In general – I am going to share some outstanding guidelines that will help you become the text master that she is hoping to hear from, and not some jag that she needs to delete from her phone.
Read on, and get ready to text.
Biggest mistake guys make in the world of Texting: you ready for it? Here it is.
They don’t do the proper work up front before getting her number. See Part 2 for Details on some great stuff to do, like the photo technique. But there’s one that’s even better.
The worst thing you can do is get a number without suggesting a date or a meet up first.
That’s right – get a date conversation going in person. Set the expectations of the texts to come.
The night you meet:
YOU: Hey, I have to run in a few minutes - but we should grab a drink or some food this week or early next. What’s your schedule like?
Woman: Um..I dunno..maybe Sunday?
YOU: Cool, I’ll text you. What’s your number?
It is a huge mistake to think that getting her number is the goal. It’s not.
Most guys who get a number think they hit the jackpot. Numbers don’t mean anything. It’s what you do with them. You got her number because you want to see her again, right? So see her again, soon.
And don’t assume that all women are like the typical guy - lonely and without many options.
They really aren’t thrilled to hear from you especially if they get stuff like:
- What’s up?
- How’s it going?
- How was your weekend?
- What are you doing?
- Do you have plans?
Just because you would love to get ANY text from a woman doesn’t mean she’s dying to get ANY text from you.
Just do this: Imagine you are her. Imagine you are busy, stressed, and running around trying to get things done that you have to get done.
Then, you get a random text message from some guy you met at a bar the other day who seemed like an okay guy.
“What’s up?” says the text.
“What’s up?” she thinks.
What the hell is this? I don’t have time to make up something or shoot the shit. I’m busy as hell.
Anybody who is even slightly busy will think this.
She hates this kind of stuff because it just adds to her load. If she wants to respond she has to come up with something. SHE has to provide the interesting banter – what it would be like if YOU were dating HER.
When a girl gets a message like this from you, she goes:
- Who is this again?
- No idea what he wants.
- Is he going to ask me for a favor?
- I don’t have time to respond to this.
- He’ll send me a million messages if I respond.
- Why doesn’t HE take the lead.
- Is he going to ask me out?
And on and on – ultimately prioritizing this to the “get to it later” bucket, and turns her ringer off.
You must strive to be crystal clear and easy to respond to in your messages, to reduce mental loads as much as humanly possible.
Don’t make her think.
Don’t make her wonder.
That’s an invitation to ignore you.
Just go for the date, man. The one you already TALKED about.
Hey $HERNAME, hope you had a kick ass weekend. Mine was solid, and restful… just what I needed. When’s good for you to grab that coffee this week? Let me know when your schedule’s clear and let’s set it up.
Texting is something women do a lot. And they don’t mind having guy-friends. You want to be a boyfriend – not a text buddy.
Used properly – the text message is a surprisingly versatile and powerful tool in the arsenal of any man who’s looking for dates.
And that’s what we want to do – keep our eyes on the prize. Getting dates. Don’t become boring text guy, super funny text guy, or endless text conversation guy.
Be the texting to get a date guy.
There will be other text situations that you find yourself in other than getting dates, of course. So a good mindset going into those is key.
Keep in mind: every girl you want to date will be thinking the same thing when she’s flirting with you: “What would my life be like if this person were my boyfriend?”
She’s going to want to know whether she can expect excitement and intrigue or if her future with you would be a never-ending string of nights consisting of Xbox and Ancient Aliens reruns while she quietly dies inside and wishes she’d gone out with that bartender with the nose ring instead.
So keep it fun and flirty, and exciting. And short.
When you get the typical “interview” questions – like what do you do for a living, the first NOT to do is give her a bunch of boring details about yourself.
Be humorously evasive when she asks questions – like – “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an underwear model.”
“You’ve probably seen my work.”
ANYTHING other than your boring job description works her.
Because her imagination is 100x more vibrant than yours – so let her imagine how cool you are before you inform her you are not.
This is also playful and teasing. She’ll eat it up.
Another good way to seem very exciting or attractive while you’re talking…er texting… you could bring up the plans you have for that week.
This is NOT what you want to do with her.
Just the cool things that you’ve got coming up that you’re looking forward to.
You want to demonstrate to her that you live an interesting and exciting life – one that she’d enjoy being part of.
This shouldn’t be bragging. Just casual mentions of stuff – “My week is packed – I gotta go race my Mustang against this a-hole from downtown Thursday night.”
You don’t want to come off as trying too hard – you don’t have to brag about how you and your friends are getting bottle service at this club or you’re going to a super-exclusive party that celebrities will be hosting – but you do want to actually demonstrate that you have a life outside of her.
Workouts. Finishing a painting. Whatever. You are busy.
If you DO have to make stuff up for this part, here’s a suggestion:
Start making a list of the things you’d be doing if you were living the life you wanted, then start going out and doing them. I’m big on making lists – we’ll talk about why sometime.
Before I send you off into the cyber social media world, let’s wrap up with some final thoughts on texting.
It’s one of the best ways to establish communication with girls you’ve just met – as well as confirming that you have a working, valid number from her.
“Hey $NICKNAME, do you speak text… $YOURNAME”.
You can use it to build comfort or intrigue in order to help get her excited and eager to meet with you face-to-face.
See: The Yes Ladder in Part Two.
You can use it to maintain a connection with a girl you’ve been seeing or one you’re trying to see but circumstances are getting in the way.
“What are you doing later…”
You can use it to re-establish communication with a girl when things have suddenly gone quiet, even after weeks or months of inactivity:
“It seems you have been kidnapped! Please send your coordinates and I will arrange a daring rescue.”
And it can be used to bypass women’s inhibitions and build momentum towards sex:
“Had a dream about you last night – I just wanted to say, Thank you…”
There’s another little considered characteristic of the text, and that is that text messages provide a layer of distance between you and the person you’re talking to.
This level of detachment allows for people to step outside of their public roles or personas and adopt ones that they would never cop to in public.
You’re mutually agreeing, in effect, that these texts are not “real” and therefore anything goes.
Have you ever had a long text conversation with someone, then see them next day – and it’s like whatever took place in the text didn’t really happen? You don’t refer to it or talk about it…It’s not the real world.
Your job is to keep her excited about you in the text world so she wants to see you in the real world. Soon. Otherwise you just become a text buddy.
Also – be prepared!
Use the internet and find the cool shit going on in your town that you’d want to do with a girl and start making inroads.
This way when the subject of plans comes up, you’ll have more to talk about when the “So… what are you doing this weekend” topic inevitably comes up.
It’ll be more like:
“I’m going to the concert Friday night at the Dome. I think my buddy is going to bail and I may have an extra ticket – you should come with!”
And of course, in my role as dating coach, gents ask me all the time about what kind of message to send to a woman they just met. Part One of this series deals with this in-depth, but I’ll share some quick “pings” you can use to get the ball rolling right here.
The text ping doesn’t have to be long - just a little reminder of who you are.
One of the most reliable out there is the classic “Hey $NICKNAME, do you speak text… $YOURNAME”.
If I met her while out at a bar or party, I may send something along the lines of
“Hey $NICKNAME, it’s $YOURNAME, I’m texting you now before I forget who you are when tomorrow’s hangover kick’s in, so WRITE ME BACK, WOMAN..”
or “So I have a couple hours before the consequences of my actions kick in $NICKNAME so I wanted to say ‘hey!’”
You want to bait girls into writing back; this is why you don’t want to say “Hey, it was great meeting you last night!”.
And, of course - a little humor and/or intrigue works best – as does a challenge.
“Hey $NICKNAME, this question will forever decide whether we can be friends: favorite Bond Girl?”
Make-or- break questions, especially any involving a binary choice, will get good responses;
Cake or pie, beach or skiing, Los Angeles or Miami, New York or San Francisco, New Orleans or Austin, Game of Thrones or True Blood.
Regardless of the answer, a teasing response “What, are you serious? Oh God, I can’t take you seriously…” can keep the conversation interesting.
But like I said earlier – you don’t want to be boring text guy.
Do you ever ask youself: “If I was a girl, how would I respond to my message?”
If you don’t, it’s always a great place to start.
BEFORE you hit “send”.