Question from a reader:

Hi JD,

You mentioned to open up with a “relationship question” with a girl.  So how do you do this in a first approach?  Let’s say a girl is in line in front of you at a bank, you can just open up with a relationship question about some guy and his girlfriend scenario and it works?

Or would you bring up something about the surroundings first, like “I wish they gave out free donuts at this bank like Wells Fargo does, have you been at that one before?”

Thanks, Derrick


JD’s Answer:

Hey Derrick –

Great Question. You know, almost every man I work with has a similar type of question. And usually it boils down to, “I’d like to talk to her…I just don’t know what to say.” Before I get into the specifics of your question, let me just say this:

Bottom line - just freaking talk to her.

A lot of the pick up and conversation stuff I write is just to give you guys “something” to  talk about - most guys have that “I don’t know what to say” block.  Having an arsenal of things to talk about - stuff that happens to be good conversation starters - fills a guy w/ confidence.  And that is the real key in a cold pick up.

With that said, I like your take on the 2 techniques that I discuss in my training:

  • Use your surroundings
  • Use the “relationship” gambits

And I say, why not use them both? In the pick up world - using multiple techniques and stories is called “stacking”. When you have a series of ideas and directions to go with, it really helps you out when you either don’t know what to say first, or when you get that feeling the conversation is fizzling out.

Most experienced PUAs use a stacking technique - which is basically launching into the next idea when one starts to die. Whenever you are not in a typical, club-type setting - it is always to your advantage to “use your surroundings” as a conversation starter. I really like the “free donuts” bit you mentioned while standing in line at a bank. It’s much more creative and interesting, and funny, than your typical, “come here often”? type of line.

Even so - that line of conversation can die out quickly. After the initial “donuts” joke…what happens?

It reminds me of a guy I was coaching on the phone last week who told me he opened with, “Nice earrings”. That “conversation” goes nowhere - fast. “Hey - nice earrings.” “Thanks”. End of conversation. Unless you have a “stacked” idea to follow it up with - you are dead in the water.

While we’re on the subject - I don’t mind at all talking about a woman’s jewelry or accessories. It’s a great way to get her to open up. You just can’t use closed-ended statements like a cold compliment. “Nice earrings” doesn’t engage her in a conversation. In fact, she may not have to talk at all once you say that - she could just smile. At a minimum, there’s a good question you can hit her with after that.

“So…tell me the story behind those.”

Notice that first of all - I issue a command instead of phrasing it as a question. I like to set precedence for any potential relationships right away - I tell, she does. At least half the time there is a “story” behind her bracelet, watch, earrings, scarf, whatever. Sometimes you’ll get that initial test - the bitch shield - and she’ll say, “What? No story….they’re just earrings.”

Not to be shot down so easily - I usually follow this line of conversation with something like, “Oh…so those are those 17 dollar accessories they temp you with when you are at the checkout at the clothing store….that’s how they really make all their money. Those things they sell while you are waiting in line! It’s like 14 cents worth of string and copper for 20 bucks!”

And so on.

I’ve actually used everything I just shared with you to jump-start a conversation with a woman I just met. It seems women love to talk about fashion, bargains, and actually think it’s cool when a man “understands” the shopping experience.

But on to the “relationship” question you referred to. That is another thing women love to talk about.

Not necessarily “getting into a relationship with you” at that moment - but more about the drama between men and women and people who are in relationships. You know - those “other” people who are all screwed up.

I actually call this the opinion gambit. Women love to give their opinion, and I love to ask for it. Just like I do in “A Man’s Guide to Understanding Women” - an audio training program that includes some killer insight we gathered by surveying real women. Does size matter? What’s the biggest turn on? What’s the biggest turn off? And over 25 other insightful questions.

In the Conversation Technique audio program AND The Art of the Pick Up Line program, I discuss the opinion gambits - as a way of getting a woman engaged in a conversation.

Like I said, they love to give their opinion. I’ve had particular success approaching a group of 2 or more women and asking their opinion on all manner of things - especially relationships. For example, here’s a classic. Start with a time constraint and an agenda: “Hey…ladies….this will only take a second. I need a female point of view on something!”

Works with one girl too. Adjust your opener accordingly.

So now, I have their attention, and I let them know exactly what I want, that it won’t take forever, and I’ve created a small amount of mystery - what is the question?? Then, just throw together any “typical” scenario that a man and woman have found themselves in. Something like, “My best friend’s girlfriend discovered his password and went in and read all his emails.

Then she started fighting with about stuff she found from years ago. Is that total bullshit or what?” Almost every time, women get really enthusiastic and start yammering away with their take on this. Most of the time, it’s happened to them, too. They can totally relate.

You can see a couple of great things here:

  1. This is a nice “stack” to add to ANY opener
  2. You don’t have to have a bunch of memorized stuff to say - this opener actually lends itself to organic, off-the-cuff conversation.

Of course, the more you do it, the more stuff you will have “in the bank” to whip out and talk about because you’ve had this same conversation dozens of times before. I like to pick one or two “lines” that I’ve had success with and just stick with them. That’s why I list a ton of great conversation starters like that one in my Audio Training Programs (Conversation Technique, the Art of the Pick Up Line) so you can try a few and find the ones that work best for you. Especially those of you who have that mental block, “I don’t know what to say”.

Starting a great conversation, and being a good listener gets you over not knowing what to say fast - because you don’t have to memorize a bunch of routines, just one or two good jump-starters, and the conversation flows. Find a couple you like, learn them, then “stack” them.

Here’s a little master tip for you - when you are in an opinion gambit conversation, pay attention to what the woman you are interested in is saying. Especially when it looks like she feels strongly about something. (this is why I love the opinion gambit…) You can use her strong opinion later to tell her, “You know… I really agreed strongly with what you were saying about… blah, blah, blah…” and then you start to build the “connection” that women are looking for when they are out to pick up men.

Think about it - if she talks to 5 or 6 different guys over the course of an evening - who is going to stand out? You, my friend - the one she had an interesting conversation with and some core beliefs in common!

Before I wrap up - lemme ask you –

Do you want to know how to get phone numbers? Then your answer is The Art of the Pick Up Line audio program. It’s full of all my best and most effective phone number techniques. And for simple, devastatingly effective conversation starters, see our featured audio below. This stuff works, my friends.

Have a great weekend - and write to me anytime.

All the best –

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